So, where were we this time last year?
Ah yes. The Happiest Wizard.
It’s that time again, my freaky darlings, where my poor neglected blog gets some life breathed back into it by the kitsch grandeur that is The Eurovision Song Contest. Yes, that epic battle of epic epicness where monsters, heroes, villains, madmen, time travellers, corporate interests and state sponsored “talent” duke it out for Eternal Glory in front of an audience of millions.
Or something like that.
Previewing each country’s entry is a thing I do annually at this point, but Dear God I am really leaving this to the last minute. There are literally only hours until Semi-Final 1 airs. But, it’s done at least with one mega post, and I’ll wrap the rest up before time as well.
And once again, my home country of Australia has an entry in the contest.
Look, despite actually being excited about it this time around, even I think that’s weird. What the Hell are we doing there? Being awesome, hopefully. But this time we’re not a guaranteed lock for the final. This time we’ve got to earn it.
Also, we are in the Nordic Voting Bloc. Repeat, the Nordic Voting Bloc.
Welcome to Eurovision politics, folks. I’ll let you know how we got there when I work it out.
Also, I hear they’re actually broadcasting this live for the first time in the USA. Man, you guys are in for a massive amount of culture shock…
Now without further gilding the lily, and no more ado, unlike my usual we’ll start with Semi-Final 1, then Semi-Final 2 and the Big 5 Plus Sweden in the coming days…
1. Finland: Sandhja – ‘Sing It Away’
The opening act deposits us solidly into ‘90s Urban Pop with Finnish Sandhja’s “Sing It Away”.
It’s going for uplifting, but I’m finding it just bland. I think the rest of the field would have to be particularly mediocre for this to make it to the final.
2. Greece: Argo – ‘Utopian Land’
For as long as I’ve been doing this, Greece has been one of those countries in Eurovision that really gets their cultural identity across through their entry. This entry by Argo (formerly Europond) seems…muddled. Maybe it’s because it’s in three languages? (English, Greek and northern dialect Pontic Greek, for those playing the home game) Or maybe it’s just weirdly experimental for Greece? I don’t mind it, but let’s see what else is on offer.
3. Moldova: Lidia Isac – ‘Falling Stars’
The first standard Eurovision studio dance song from Moldova’s Lidia Isac is fairly samey and forgettable sadly. Ms Isac has tried to enter Eurovision the last three years, so at least good on her for finally getting to the big show.
4. Hungary: Freddie – ‘Pioneer’
The first of this year’s Eurovision entrants trying to emulate Sweden’s winning formula from last year with a male solo artist. Hungarian Freddie has got a weirdly compelling husky voice and is banging it out to the cheap seats with the song “Pioneer”. I reckon he’ll make it to the final, as he’s got some presence.
5. Croatia: Nina Kralijć – ‘Lighthouse’
Ms Kralijć’s gives me a vaguely Laura Brannigan vibe with her performance of “Lighthouse”, which makes me inclined to like her. This is the best performance of the early contenders, and I would be shocked if this doesn’t do well in the final.
6. Netherlands: Douwe Bob – ‘Slow Down’
What is with the Netherlands entering vaguely pseudo-country entrants over the last few years?
Again, this one works, though it feels more like a better fit for Eurovision than The Common Linnet’s 2014 entry, which was almost too good for Eurovision.
Douwe Bob’s got a sweet voice, so I reckon he’ll make the final.
7. Armenia: Iveta Mukuchyan – ‘LoveWave’
The spoken word intro is equal parts compelling and off-putting, but once the song proper starts and we’re introduced to Iveta Mukuchyan’s powerful singing voice, “LoveWave” really picks up.
This song works, but I reckon this will be all about the stage performance. If Ms Mukuchyan nails that, she’s a lock for the final.
8. San Marino: Serhat – ‘I Didn’t Know’
Disco Leonard Cohen??
Sure. Why not?
The song itself is pretty bad, and not in a laughable sense like previous San Marino entries (yes, I’m never going to let “The Social Media Song” go, okay!?), but Serhat’s velvety voice is oddly compelling, so there’s some kitsch value at least.
9. Russia: Sergey Lazarev – ‘You Are The Only One’
Oh hey. TRON Lines. I’ve missed those.
Man; this is the major rip-off of Sweden’s 2015 entrant if this music video is anything to go by.
But you know what? It works.
Sergey Lazarev is apparently one of the most talented entertainers working in Russia, being the triple threat of singer, dancer and actor. He’ll make the final, politics be damned.
10. Czech Republic: Gabriela Gunčíková – ‘I Stand’
When’s the Czech Republic’s name change coming through? Anybody? I need to ask my grandfather what his thoughts on that are…ANYWAY.
The Czech Republic has never made the final of Eurovision, but Gabriela Gunčíková’s “I Stand” is their best chance in some considerable time. The song is compelling and she has a set of pipes on her. Unless the rest of the field is amazing, I reckon she might just pull it off.
11. Cyprus: Minus One – ‘Alter Ego’
The first vaguely rock entrant for this year’s Eurovision courtesy of Cyprus is easily likeable.
Minus One was originally a cover band apparently, but they’ve clearly got enough talent to have moved beyond that. This is good. Good enough? No idea, but I doubt it’ll take the prize.
12. Austria: Zoë – ‘Loin d’ici’ (Far from here)
An Austrian entry in French? What the Hell?
This is cute and inoffensive, but bordering on trite. The stage performance may save it, but I kinda thing this would be an outlier even if it did.
13. Estonia: Jüri Pootsmann – ‘Play’
If Eurovision starts having a sub-genre of songs titled “Pseudo Bond Film Theme Songs”, I’d be all for it. And “Play” would fit in there easily.
Jüri Pootsmann is a crooner with undeniable stage presence. He’s a lock for the final.
14. Azerbaijan: Samra – ‘Miracle’
Maybe I’ve been doing this for too long, but isn’t there always a song called “Miracle” in Eurovision? I need to check…
Anyway, this “Miracle” starts strong and Samra has a great voice. However, the chorus is generic is as Hell and might just derail the whole thing.
15. Montenegro: Highway – ‘The Real Thing’
Despite my like for rock at Eurovision, this is middle of the road and infinitely forgettable. Probably a good excuse to put on a fresh pot of coffee.
16. Iceland: Greta Salóme – ‘Hear Them Calling’
Possibly the Vampire Entrant for this year’s Eurovision?
I can’t actually see Ms Salóme in the music video, but if this is any indication, the stage performance is going to be kind of amazing.
Also, the song’s pretty good too. But the Vampire Songs always are…
17. Bosnia and Herzegovina: Dalal & Deen feat. Ana Rucner and Jala – ‘Ljubav je’ (Love is)
So apparently Bosnia & Herzegovina had issues similar to what disqualified Romania from participating. However, they resolved them, and here they are.
As much as I love a woman playing the cello, this song is a mish mash, and returning artist Deen’s intensity is slightly off-putting. I don’t think this will make the final, but I’ve been wrong plenty of times before.
18. Malta: Ira Losco – ‘Walk on Water’
Malta’s Ira Losco is another returning entrant, and she may just have a winner with “Walk on Water”. The song is entertaining, good lord she can sing, and she’s got presence. A finals lock at the very least.
…Holy crap, I actually got through that and with time to spare. I’ll get to Semi-Final 2 with at least half a day to spare hopefully, and the Big Five Plus Sweden soon after that.
But now, some scant hours sleep before Semi-Final 1.
Be seeing you.
Have Sword - Will Travel 